Do you always see the negatives - not just in yourself but in others, too? Here's why changing your focus can change your life for the better.
Tal Ben-Shahar is an author and lecturer at Harvard University. He currently teaches the largest course at Harvard on "Positive Psychology" and the third largest on "The Psychology of Leadership"--with a total of over 1,400 students.
Tal consults and lectures around the world to executives in multi-national corporation, the general public, and at-risk populations. Topics include happiness, self-esteem, resilience, goal setting, mindfulness, and leadership.
Yes, but...
I attended a dinner party last week. The conversation meandered from affairs of the heart to current political affairs, from food and cooking to dreams and aspirations. At a certain point, we went around the table and talked about books we had recently read and enjoyed. When my turn came, I talked passionately about Built to Last which I believe to be one of the most important books in the area of organisational behaviour. The book discusses visionary companies—organisations that have shaped the world, that have made and continue to make a difference. When I brought up Walt Disney as an exemplar of a visionary leader who made a significant contribution to society, I was immediately interrupted by the hostess: "Yes, but I heard that he was mean to his employees." The "yes, but" gavel strikes again.
Bill Gates
When people talk about Bill Gates they rarely mention his technological contribution or his brilliant business skills. And when someone dares exalt Gates, the gavel strikes:"Yes, but he thwarted competition." J. Piermont Morgan helped the country out of depression on a number of occasions and set high standards for doing business, but he engaged in some shady deals. Great political figures are not spared the "yes, but" treatment. Jefferson, for example, might have written the Declaration of Independence, but he also slept with his slave girl. Lincoln freed the slaves, but in a speech in Charleston before the civil war, he advocated the superiority of the white race.
Ghandi led India to freedom, but he was cruel to his wife. And the list goes on. The degree to which heroic figures are put down varies. Bill Gates receives a much harsher treatment than Jack Welch does, though both are criticised. And then, there are some cultural icons who are still untouchable, like Mandela and Kennedy, but they too face the danger of being dethroned once their un-heroic acts are revealed and reviled.
Nobody’s perfect!Jefferson’s sleeping with his slave girl was wrong, but that does not annul the fact that he wrote the most brilliant and influential political document that has benefited, and continues to benefit, millions of people. Lincoln’s private indifference to slavery (if true) is, to say the least, disappointing, but he is a glorious man who led millions of people from slavery to freedom. Morgan was not a saint, perhaps, but he nevertheless brought confidence and trust to the economy and made the US the most prosperous country in the world.
And yet, people discard these heroic figures with an off-hand remark, unwilling to accept that a hero, outside story books and fairy tales is, first and foremost, a human being. The question is not whether the perfect hero exists or not, but whether we choose to focus on the core characteristics of the person, on his achievements and contributions, or actively seek (and inevitably find) a fault.
Positive focusWhat we choose to focus on—the positive or negative—determines what we see in others, and in ourselves. A person who focuses on the negative sees the bad as the potent, active force in the world and the good as the passive force, as the absence of bad. A person with a positive view holds the exact opposite perspective: he perceives the good as the generative force in reality and the bad as the absence of good.
It is no coincidence that most metaphysics—from different philosophies and religions—describe the good as light and the bad as darkness. Light is an active force; darkness, the absence of light, is impotent. A dark patch does not bring darkness to a lit-up room, as a single candle lights up a dark space. When Edmund Burke says that "All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" he recognizes the proper relationship between the positive and negative forces in reality: evil is the absence of good.
Negative focusThe implications of a negative focus—the belief that good can exist if, and only if, bad is completely absent—is that only a person without any dark patches, without any blemishes, can be good. So if Walt Disney was mean to some of his employees, he can no longer be heralded as a worthy hero.
The implications of a positive focus—that the bad is passive and the good is active—does not imply that any person, no matter how much evil he has done, is forgiven after his first good deed. There is darkness that is so dense and pervasive that many candles are necessary to bring light to it. Moreover, not all good should be treated equal. Some rooms are illuminated by a single candle; others, by direct sunlight.
Beyond determining how we evaluate others, our focus affects the way we lead our own lives. What we focus on determines whether we lead an active or a passive life. Do we spend our lives running away from unhappiness (negative) or pursuing happiness (positive)? Do we passively avoid depression or actively seek joy? Do we spend most of our time generating light or spend our days avoiding darkness? Do we lead an active, albeit risky life (promoting the good) or play it safe and do nothing (avoiding the bad)? A negative focus leads to fear as the primary driving force—fear of making mistakes, fear of imperfection, fear of castigation. After all, no one—not even our cultural icons—were able to remain pure in our own eyes or the eyes of others, so who are we to try and why should we even bother?
Fear of failure
Those who focus on the negative are so afraid of doing something wrong, that they refrain from action, conform to the status quo, and end up doing nothing. In contrast, those who focus on the positive understand that to act is, at times, to err, but that it’s not the avoidance of making mistakes that creates the good life, but rather the active pursuit of the good. Focusing on the good does not mean ignoring the bad, but rather the understanding that the most effective way to eradicate the bad is to do good.
Dark patchesIn history—whether our own, our heroes’, or the world’s—we will always find dark patches, damned spots that taint purity. How we choose to deal with these blemishes will determine our personal and collective futures. Do we lock ourselves up in a barrel out of fear that we might taint our hands even more, or do we follow the risky path of Prometheus—who gave fire to mortals and risked being burned? Do we remain passive socialites who disapprove, or do we become social activists who improve?
To do no harm by not doing does not make one a moral saint, but a coward. Our true saints, our true heroes, are those who give themselves the permission to be human—who understand that to do good is to risk failure, that to act is to risk getting dirty. And we, who sit around the dinner table, should say grace and thank those brave, imperfect mortals.