Are you constantly trying to be better, richer, prettier, thinner? Do you ever wish you were someone else? Well stop it!
Anyone who has ever sat through a rainy afternoon of daytime TV will be aware of the concept of self esteem. Especially if you, like me were hooked on American chat shows as a panacea for all colds, migraines and flu in the 1990s.
OK, so I've grown out of my Ricki Lake phase now, and I can't watch Trisha Goddard or Jeremy Kyle without wanting to (a) call my dentist or (b) throw a shoe at the TV. But the one thing most of these 'I can make your life better' chat show hosts seem to carp on about all the time is self esteem.
So, what is it? Is it knowing that you look good in your bikini? Is it having a car that you can show off? Is it being first in the egg and spoon race? Not a bit. Self esteem is the opposite of what's called 'approval addiction' and approval addiction is a malaise that is taking over the brains of an awful lot of fabulous men and women - and turning us into media-led scaredy cats who are afraid to be who we are in case we don't fit in to some image or ideal set for us by faceless people trying to sell us a dream.
Nathaniel Branden
Self esteem has been written about by many a self-help book author. One of the best is Nathaniel Branden, who says:
"Self-esteem has two essential components:
- Self-efficacy: Confidence in the ability to cope with life’s challenges - giving you a a sense of control over your life.
- Self-respect: Believing that you are deserving of happiness, achievement and love. Self-respect makes possible a sense of community with others.
See? Nothing there about being a size ten or having a four-bed detatched and three foreign holidays a year.
The truth is, it has to come from inside. The way many of us feel about ourselves is one of the main reasons I started Relentlessly Positive. I was, and am, sick to death of hearing intelligent, capable people putting themselves down for what they saw as their failings and completely ignoring all the things that I love about them.
What won't work
You will never ever get anywhere if you spend your life living for other people. If you think that being thin is going to give you confidence - it might make you feel warm and glowy to get attention and compliments, and you might get a high from the fact you no longer need to shop at Evans (Lord knows, that would be a bonus...) but it won't make you like yourself any more. The high will wear off, the 'haven't you lost weight?' compliments will dry up, and you'll start looking for approval somewhere else.
The same goes for money or talent. OK, being rich can buy you a better class of misery but wealth never buys happiness. There are some very happy rich people out there, but the chances are they were content and happy anyway. If your bank balance dictates your happiness, you will spend far too much time worrying about it - and should the worst happen, you'll lose your entire sense of self worth based on an arbitrary figure.
Robbie Williams is rich and successful but is he happy? Is he hell. He is probably the most insecure person in the music industry, a world populated with people desperate for others' approval because they can't just sit back and say to themselves, "You know, I'm living a charmed life. I'm being paid to do what I love every single day." - they are obsessed with chasing the next number one single, more column inches, and positive reviews. Why do you think so many celebs end up in rehab? I say 'No no no' <groan>
So what will?
"Self-esteem has to do with what I think of me, not what anyone else thinks of me."
If you want to be happy, stop trying to be someone else. Stop focusing on what other people think of you, and turn it around - take an interest in other people, what do you think of them? What have they done with their lives? What makes them tick? When you're alone, take some time to be just you. Stuff what you *should* be doing. Lose yourself in pleasures that you really enjoy (reading, yoga, art, chocolate, sex...)
You'll know when you're focussing on yourself too much - you'll use words like 'me, myself, I, mine' a LOT. Someone's mental and even, to some extent, physical health can be directly related to how 'self-referential' they are in their conversation - as people become healthier they use the 'I' word less, in the same way that when your knee stops hurting you don't need to rub it any more.
You can't make people like you, love you, or fancy you. And if you don't like yourself, that's going to make it even harder for any self respecting potential friend, boss, or lover to be interested in you. self loathing radiates from every pore - but so does real self acceptance, and people who are comfortable in their own skin absolutely light up the room.
People with high self-esteem . . .
- Usually see other people in a better light, too.
- Expect other people to like and accept them.
- Perform better in high pressure situations, and do better work when the standards are high.
- Feel confident and secure enough to shrug off negative comments from others.
On the other hand, people with low self-esteem . . .
- Frequently dislike others.
- Expect that other people will dislike and reject them.
- Have trouble performing under pressure, and find it hard to work in demanding environments.
- Are more vulnerable to negative comments and reactions from others
We're brought up in a world where from an early age we are told that we have to conform. we have to buy these products to be popular, look a certain way, dress a certain way and think a certain way. bu stop and think about it. Think about your own circle of friends, and family. Are they all drop dead gorgeous? Are they all thin? Are they all rich? Do they all have the perfect career, a family, a big house? My bet is that no, most of them don't fit that ideal. But I'll bet that you love them anyway? So why can't you love yourself, cheesey as that sounds? We are all different. We're supposed to be, for goodness sake.
The only person that matters is YOU. One of the most important things that you can do for yourself is to take real responsibility for your actions.. Refuse to behave like a victim … or to wait for someone to save you from life’s problems. That includes the latest diet. Realise that whatever is wrong in your life - it doesn't make you a bad person, and that you are capable of overcoming it. Be yourself...it's the only way you will ever be happy!